The Dreamer of a Thousand Names for Starlight (cloudtrader) wrote,
The Dreamer of a Thousand Names for Starlight

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In Memory Of....

A long time ago -- I don't remember when, but it was sometime post-parents' divorce, pre-high school -- I tried to keep a diary. It was one of those cute little girly things. It was pink, for godsakes, with a little gold lock. I was going to write in it every day. I WAS GOING TO WRITE IN IT EVERY DAY. But I didn't. And I felt guilty. And the more I got behind, the more guilty I felt. I was having a nervous breakdown over not writing in my diary. It sat in my closet until every time I saw it I felt like I was going to burst into tears. I don't know, maybe I was just a wee bit psychotic. But this diary, it haunted me. Eventually, I threw the dang thing across the room. I wish I could say that I ripped it to shreds or burned it, but I don't think I did. I don't remember what I did with it after the throwing incident. Probably just trashed it, I don't know. And not knowing bugs me.

There are other things that I wish I remembered better. Things that I think I should know, but I don't. I wish I remembered my great-grandmother, but the only thing I can recall about her is hearing about her death while I was coloring Shirinky-Dinks. I wish I remembered our old dog Bingo. I wish I remembered what my favorite meal of Monte Cristo sandwich and chocolate mousse from the now-gone restaurant The Magic Pan tasted like. I wish I remembered what I wore for Halloween every year, but I only remember select ones and ones that were captured on film. One of my largest regrets is not remembering more details of my first kiss. I wish I remembered more conversations I've had with my parents, friends, etc. I wish I could remember ALL the stories and characters that my mind has churned out over the years, but they blend together and are lost if I don't write them down. Sometimes I'll look through an old notebook and find a list of characters and characteristics and I don't remember what their actual story was supposed to be.

But mostly right now? I wish I could remember where I put those important tax forms I need to fill out.

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