September 23rd, 2004

alone on a swing

sickness and the news

First off, I am at home right now rather than at work because I need to be very near a bathroom. Because I am sick sick sick, more sick than I have ever been before, ever, I feel like I want to die, sick. (I exaggerate, but still.) I went to work, lasted about an hour, and then came home, stopping along the way to procure many drugs. (The drugs have helped, yay!) I think I shall go to sleep soon and hope that I feel better when I wake up.

Secondly, I learned that the American hostage killed in Iraq two days ago is the husband of a lady who works for my company. I don't know her, obviously, but wow, scary! This is really the closest that events in the news have come to hitting me, personally.

Speaking of news, over the last few weeks I have been getting the syndicated BBC feed on my Friends list. Depressing stuff. I mean, whoa. I kinda wanna return to my pre-newsfeed ignorance-is-bliss state of being, but you know? Thats kinda cowardly. And this is MY world -- I should know what is going on in it. Even if it does make me cry sometimes.

I watched one of the post-9/11 episodes of Third Watch the other day and the pain of it all really hit me again. I cried. The last time I really cried about all of the hate and pain spawned by the events of that day was when I read the list of the dead in the obituaries section of the LA Times a few weeks after the tragedy. Man. *sighs*

I feel helpless, you know? Like, I know there must be some way for me to make the world better, but I just don't know what! And I don't even know if I'm willing to do what it would take to make the world a better place. I am very selfish and lazy and I don't know if I could make the sacrifices necessary. But I don't like feeling helpless and I WANT to help, really, so it just all kinda leaves me in turmoil and with roiling thoughts and a bad taste in my mouth and an intense feeling of self-loathing and depression.

I guess I don't really know how to deal fully with the reality of our world.