"Have you ridden the elevator here? C'mon, we have to, it's cool!"
Firstly, omg, I know you live in one of the world's most boring towns, but seriously? Los Angeles is only a half hour away -- shouldn't you be out clubbing and boozing? If your idea of fun is riding the elevator at a book shop then you are truly the most pathetic person on the planet. Secondly, yes, our elevator is bumpy and a bit of a deathtrap, but that does NOT make it the same as, like, going to Magic Mountain or something. *rolls eyes*
"Lets have sex in the elevator."
Okay, um, the store has only two floors. It takes less than 30 seconds for the elevator to go between them. If it only takes you 30 seconds to have sex then... um, really, why? Oh, and if you think you'll just pull out that nifty knob that stops the elevator? Heh. There will be a loud sound of major ickyness that will summon lots of firedepartment personnel. I DARE you to try and have sex while that sound is going off in your ear.
Said to a bookseller: "You need more couches in here."
Fuck off, you fuckhead! We are not a fucking library! We want you to buy the fucking book instead of sitting in the store, bending the book up so we can't sell it, leaving it behind on the floor for us to reshelve, and staining the carpet with the spilled remains of your latte! Fucker.
Person talking on cellphone: "Oh, yeah, I'm at the library."
NOT ACTUALLY A LIBRARY, YOU FUCKTURD!!!!!!!
"It's too loud in here, I can't concentrate to study."
Again, NOT A LIBRARY! Go away.
At the Info Desk, which is right in front of the VERY OBVIOUS Children's Department: "Are your kids books upstairs?"
Are they blind? We don't carry books in braille, why are they in our store?
"Where is your Customer Service desk?"
Our Customer Service desk is in the very center of the store with a straight line-of-sight from the entrance and has A BIG FUCKING GLOWING SIGN ABOVE IT THAT SAYS "CUSTOMER SERVICE".
From a customer that just waited in line at the Customer Service desk for at least five minutes: "Where are your books on tape?"
The audio books are quite literally right next to the Customer Service desk. LITERALLY. Impossible to miss. These people don't even try.
Said to an employee who is obviously trying to carry a bunch of VERY HEAVY magazines to the front of the store before she drops them: "Hey, do you have *insert completely obscure title and author here* in stock?"
Contrary to popular belief, we do not actually have chips implanted in our brains that have the complete catalogue of the entire store on them. This is why we have computers and a Customer Service desk.
"I'm looking for a book by Diana Smith. That's S-M-I-T-H."
Also contrary to popular belief, we can, actually, spell. Fuckers.
"Do you sell batteries?"
*squints* Just what type of store do you think you're in, buddy? I mean, yes, we do sell things other than books, but batteries? Does this look like a fucking drug store?
"Is this a good book?"
I have not read every book in the store. Really. No, really, I swear. I usually end up lying to them. I mean, if it is a bestseller, I can usually at least say that it is popular, but sometimes it is just totally random shit! When people ask for recommendations of something in a genre that I don't read I have occasionally just picked something off the shelf at random, glanced a bit at the synopsis, and lied about it with a completely straight face and a clear conscience. Because seriously? I don't give a fuck about you and I KNOW you don't give a fuck about my opinion.
There are so many more. Don't get me wrong, I really like my job, for the most part, but it has really decreased my faith in humanity. So many people are SO. FUCKING. STUPID.